Miss You

At some point along the way, I stopped wondering if you're thinking about me. You've shown me more than once that you are. When it hit… it was a major turning point for me. The longing stopped feeling so desperately hopeless. I know now that I'm on your mind. The question now is… how much?

Honestly, even that I wonder about less lately. Ever since the swim check. Ever since you made a clear reference to twin flames, just before walking out the door. No matter how I slice it… that had to have been what you were doing, dropping a little bomb on me. Nothing else makes sense. I still really wonder why you'd think I'd get the reference, though…

That seems so long ago now. And we've barely had a chance to talk since, and never on our own. I loved that you texted me so much a couple weeks ago. One day maybe I'll get up the guts to try to turn one of those into a real conversation… it's better than nothing, but… nothing beats talking to you face to face… finding you looking at me over and over and over, regardless of who your words are meant for. I know why I can't take my eyes off of you… so maybe… maybe…

I suppose there are really two problems. The first, the great big giant elephant, the thing that makes this whole thing so very, very complicated… we're neither one of us available. I wonder if you would be pleased if I became available… honestly, it's come close on more than a few occasions. I also wonder, sometimes, if you would want to… proceed, even as things stand. That feels like a difficult and dangerous path to tread to me, but I just… sometimes the longing is so very… very. Overwhelming.

The second problem probably is really just… me. I have so much trouble believing it, believing any of it. Why? How? What could you possibly find interesting here? I'm getting better about that. All of the work I've put into myself… physically… I tell myself I'm doing it to make sure I'm around to meet any grandkids I may have the pleasure of one day having, and I do… but. It's also been for you. When all this started (well… when it become irresistible, at any rate, as “when it started” is really lost to time, honestly…), I didn't see how you could possibly find me attractive, physically. So I set out to change that. More recently I've been trying to do more inner work. Becoming more confident… Six months ago, I couldn't have walked right up to you like I did at the swim check. Trying to stabilize my reactions to you and the things you do. Trying to just be a better person all around. I still have a lot of work to do, but I think all told I'm a better person today than before. It's been for myself, yes, but also for you. Still, though. It's still difficult to believe sometimes. You're so… you. Beautiful, sweet, kind, funny, caring… Me? I'm just a big dork. I can't even be bothered to chose a cool instrument to play.

I guess I'm just feeling a bit melancholy because there's currently no chance at all of seeing you. It's temporary, of course… but I'm missing you, even if the reality is that I very well might not see you even if we were all home. Well, it'll be over soon enough. I hope you're enjoying yourself. I have been overall, even if I'm pretty darned sure it'd be even better with you. I suppose in the meantime I'll dream about taking trips with you in the future… frankly, I can't imagine anything nicer.